Maybe I can use these socks to cover up my raging KNITTING boner?

I've never been interested in knitting socks until I met Cookie, from Knitters Anonymous. This girl is a fucking ROCKSTAR when it comes to designing socks. Not to mention her hair is adorable!

I was reading updated blogs via my blogroll the other day when I came upon Knitters Anonymous. Cookie posted photos of these two socks that made me have my own little knitting "O".







The design...the detail...the length...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I must make these. I *must*. BUT...they will most likely be some shade of purple because, well, I like purple.

Another knitting blog that makes me happy is Scout's Swag. Girl is awesome and her yarn gallery is to die for. SCHWING! I'm working on Mr. Hunzer so I can order me some of that yummilicioius yarn goodness...perhaps for my socks.

I haven't been doing much knitting or crocheting since we found out we were moving to Arkansas. Decluttering and storage means I have packed away all non-essential crafts (meaning only my scrapbooking shit is out). However, the day I was released from the hospital after my neutering, I made Mr. Hunz take me to the store to get some yarn goodies. I wanted to keep busy while stuck in bed for a few days. I've been crocheting this cute baby blanket for shits and giggles. I obviously have not been working on it a lot since it's in the beginning stages but I am loving the pattern. It's simple and quick.

*********************************

On the homefront, little *E* started solids the other night. He loves Oatmeal and acted like he has been eating it all his four months of life! I always get nervous starting my babies on solids. I don't know why...perhaps it's because I'm a fucking dork.

************************

By the way ~ only FOUR MORE DAYS before I turn 30 years old!! Add 13 more days to that and I will be meeting AARON LEWIS. WOOHOO!!!

xoxo

One Year.

The journaling says:


It has been...

One Year.
365 Days.
8760 Hours.
525600 Minutes.

Since we last...

Saw your beautiful smile.
Heard your sweet giggles.
Held your delicate hand.
Hugged you tight in our arms.
Kissed you goodnight.



It feels like an eternity.

I announce the creation of a NEW holiday!

February 13th shall be known as:

Valentine's EVE

February 14th was forever changed for me and my family in 2006. We no longer refer to it as Valentine's Day but Amanda's Day. It is, afterall, the day she died.

Mr. Hunzer and I aren't big on celebrating Valentine's Day becaue there are other events within a month of Valentine's Day that hold more importance to us. The kids, however, do like Valentine's Day because of the cute little valentine's cards they can give to friends and of course, the candy.

I decided today that our family will be celebrating Valentine's Day today, a day early. The kids will get their gifts and their cards from us because they are our true Valentine's. *awwwwwww*

So to you and your loved ones ~ Happy Valentine's Eve!

xoxo

I'm UTERUS FREE baby!!

Surgery went well. I was in the hospital from Thursday through Sunday. I plan to rest easy all week in bed which will leave me lots of time to fuck off on the computer. You may be hearing from me a lot this week.

I have lots of stuff to keep me busy ~ reading blogs, knitting, crochet, books and word puzzles. Not to mention the first season of 24 on DVD, tivo and Percoset. Life.Is.Good.

***************************

I took this little meme from my Annex's blog last week ~ thanks sugar booger!! I love mindless shit.

1. Is your second toe longer than your first?
Um, yes and that's way creepy! I hate feet.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
Ballpoint Pens in BLUE. The GOD DAMN PEN must be BLUE!

3. Look at your planner for March 14, what are you doing?
Celebrating my husband's 39th birthday and laughing at his old ass.

4. What color are your toenails usually?
Plain. If I get them done, I get a french pedicure.

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
Lots that we like for a possible house on a list of available lots. I know, fucking fun.

6. What color are your bedroom curtains?
Sage green and about to be booted out the door.

7. What color are the seats in your car?
Some crappy gray boring cloth interior color.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
I have one right now!! Her name is Princess Ariel Kit-Kat Von Sugarhausen but you can call her Ariel.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
A card to Annex that has yet to have gone into the mailbox (and I wrote it out early last week).

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
No. I know plenty of people who live in Wyoming, MN but not the state of Wyoming.

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
Probably when I was in Burbank with Annex and the fucking cab driver made us get out and withdraw cash from a curbside ATM. We thought he was going to take off with our shit for sure.

12. Who is the last baby that you held?
My four-month-old baby boy.

13. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names?
No. I know many sets of twins but none with rhyming names. Hell, my stepkids are twins but no rhyming names there!

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
Yes but it hurts me.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
A Buick Rendevouz CXL.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators.
I'll choose...herpes.

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
I don't think I have ever been to a six flags amusement park.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
No.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow:
My Visa checkcard. (I was going to say the stain on my chonies but that's just inappropriate.)

20. Last person to give you a business card?
Our painter. He's painting our house this week. WOOHOO!!

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
The painter. Fucker.

22. Closest framed picture to you?
Framed...hmmm...That would be a wedding photo of me and the husband.

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
Last night.

24. Have you ever applied for welfare?
No.

25. How many emails do you have?
Right now I have 11 sitting in my Inbox and 419 in my Spam folder. Yeehaw.

26. Last time you received flowers?
I received not one but TWO boquets of flowers this weekend! I have the greatest friends. One was from Hero. She kicks ass!

27. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman?
"Fuck no. ANYONE who wants to get married should be able to. " ~ Annex, and I wholly agree.

28. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing

29. Do you play air guitar?
Um, no. At least, I hope not.

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
I'll take...herpes.

31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?
I have four or five. I received them from various friends when my stepdaughter died. They mean a lot to me.

32. What is your high school's rival mascot?
Hmmm..The Packers. I tihnk it was a cow?

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
Yesterday after using the bathroom in my hospital room.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
Mmmmm, thanks. I'll pass.

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
No blinds in the living room.

37. What is in your inbox at work?
What is this "work" that people keep talking about?

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
The latest news/conspiracy theory on Anna Nicole's death. FUCK man, just let her rest in peace!

39. What was the last pageant you attended?
The one that I was in during the summer of 1996. Yeah. I was in a pagaent. Go ahead, laugh. It sucked.

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Papa Murphy's.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
I prefer my halo.

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
Chipboard letters in a friend's circle journal.

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
NO ~ Are people still alive from that?

44. Are you ticklish?
Horribly ticklish. If you tickle me, I will kill you.

45. Last time you saw fireworks?
Sometime last summer when I was up at the cabin. Drunk fuckers (like ourselves) light them off all summer long.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
Last week sometime. Scarfman ran to the gas station in the subzero temps to get us some milk and got donut holes too!

47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned their call?
The admitting desk at the hospital where my uterus was ripped from my body.

48. Last time you parked under a carport?
I don't really think I have ever parked under a carport.

49. Do you have a black dog?
Yes. Correction ~ I have two fat black dogs.

50. Do you have any pickles in your fridge?
Yes.

51. Do you find Dan French irresistible?
Who the fuck is that? I do find french toast quite delicious and nutritious.

52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
A guy friend of mine ~ has the prettiest blue eyes ever.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
Yesterday.

54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
With as much as Scarfman plays their music, you would think UKJ lived in our FUCKING HOUSE.

55. Do you have a little black dress?
Yes. With a little white stain on it. *wink*

*****************************

A quick boring update on my crafty side...I'm working on my first knitted socks. I cast on last night and got a few rows of K1P1 ribbing done before the meds kicked in and I went cross-eyed. I also want to start on a knit baby hat and a crochet baby afghan.

Told you it was a boring update.

Peace.

Dear Angry Uterus,

Your judgement day is looming. Oh yes, you WILL be seeing the light of day soon.

I sense that you are not happy about this for you are giving me my third period in six weeks. THIRD. Do the math utes, it is NOT FAIR.

Are you trying to wreak as much havoc as possible before they pull you out and throw you away? MUST you wreak as much havoc as possible because really...what have I ever done to you? You've caused me to have 10+ surgeries while I've given you three children to grow and countless orgasms. I treated you WELL!! YOU are the one who was trying to fuck ME over. Would you rather have been a scrotum or something? What is the deal here?

Adios Uterus...and take these FUCKING MAXI PADS with you!! May you choke on a tampon you ungrateful bitch.

Menstrually yours,

The Keeper of the Ovaries

PS ~ I hope the ovaries taunt you as you leave.

It's a new ME!

I finally got my hair cut today after several months of doing nothing with it. I let it grow out when I was pregnant and then didn't have time to deal with it until now. It's layered all over...some areas requiring 4" of hair to be cut off (and this is a LOT for me, since I usually keep my hair short).

The new me:



****************************

My husband and I met eleven years ago today. I created this two-page layout for Ready, Set, Create! (paper crafting e-zine) that highlights "My Lucky Day".

Happy Anniversary Bonz! I love you.

****************************

Only FIVE DAYS before my baby basket is removed. I've been dealing with endometriosis since the age of sixteen and the horrible effects from it. After seven laparoscopies and numerous medications, I'm done. DONE DONE DONE. The uterus is being evicted and I couldn't be happier. It's given me three beautiful children and I no longer need its services or its pain. Goodbye sweet Utes. I'll miss you...okay, not so much.

I leave you with a little poem by my friend Kri:

ODE TO THE RAG

You have served me well
These many years
Though you cramped my body
And left me in tears

From an early age
I learned not to wear white
Like the acid in Aliens
You ate through every layer in sight

Every vacation
Every big event
You followed me around
Wherever I went

But now it is time
To bid you "adieu"
To get rid of the pads
And the strings and the "eww"

So, without a tear
I say then, farewell
And, I look forward to my next phase:
Old Lady Twat Smell


Until next time...

xoxo

*Love, Elsie*

Okay, I will!

WOW ~ I checked out Elsie Flannigan's blog tonight after taking a break from blog-reading for a few days. Her new line of scrapbooking products debuted at CHA this past weekend. How fucking adorable is it?? I must have every piece in it, even if I never use it. It's just so cute! Unique, funky and totally Hunzer.

**********************

HERE YE, HERE YE!

Only TWENTY-FOUR days until yours truly officially enters her thirties.

Only THIRTY-SEVEN days until I meet Aaron Lewis!

*********************

The littlest man in my life is almost four months old and ready for baseball season! It's really too bad we are moving to a state with no professional sports teams, muchless a MLB team. *sigh*

The

End.

Practically PISSING myself with excitement!!

My husband kicks some serious ass. Yours truly turns 30 years old on February 21st (yes, write that down...I expect birthday wishes).

He surprised me with my birthday gift tonight when he got home from work.

Here's a hint...




Yes, that is me and Husband in the FRONT ROW


Need more?





How about now?






My husband is the FUCKING BEST!! Not only did he get me front row tickets to see Aaron Lewis during his solo acoustic tour...he got me Meet-n-Greet passes to meet the man himself!! I've seen Staind three times in concert between August 2005 and August 2006. This will be different since it's just Aaron but I've seen video of his acoustic songs and they rock.

I know I sound like a crazed teen fan of New Kids but seriously ~ this man and his band have been SO EXTREMELY therapeutic to me in the last year. I associate my stepdaughter and her passing with Staind's "Chapter V" album. When I'm bummin', I listen to Staind and get out of my funk. Hell, when I'm happy I listen to Staind and stay happy. This band is my therapy and I'm so excited that I get to meet the lead singer. He pours his whole self into his music and lyrics...he kicks some serious ass.

But not as much as my Husband does!! Thank you Bonz!!!

It finally came!!

(No pun intended)

My new bar t-shirt...

The description on their website says:

If you buy this you're disturbed.
If you wear it you're sick.



WOOHOO!!! I *love* offensive shirts. I love wearing them out to the bar and seeing people's expressions when they read them. It's all for shock value baby.

Here are the other three shirts that I bought, the last one being for my brother (he turns 25 on Thursday):

A fellow St. Paulite and kick-ass scrapbooker Extrodinaire, Miz Cathy Z, pointed her readers in the direction of THIS t-shirt today. I love it.




I'm so easily amused.

xoxo



You can find the first four shirts at Tees for Tards.

You can find the last shirt on Mighty Girl's blog.

You're Invited!!

Now's your chance to party like a Hunzer! *wink* Click on the pic above to see the dirty details and join the fun.

I will be one of the crazy ones at the party that makes the quiet/shy ones cry into their jamba juice while the crazy and outgoing ones rock along with me, spilling their drinks on the nice white carpet. I will make the religious ones pray for my soul while the non-religious ones help me get comfortable in my handbasket (and hey ~ EVERYONE is welcome in my handbasket). I will make the gigglers giggle, the wafflers waffle and the timid ones run screaming out the front door wondering what in the HELL they did in their lives to deserve meeting me?

Well, I will do this as much as I can over the internets.

*wink*

Still sounds like a fun thing to do though ~ Join me! (Do me a favor, if you are going to join me, post a comment here so I can come check out your blog!)


xoxo

(Now I'm craving a Jamba Juice in the worst way!)

Betcha didn't know...

Quaker Guy wants YOU!!

Another one bites the dust.

Another toothbrush, that is.

(For those that aren't familiar with the toothbrush incident of '01, you are missing a good one. Short version ~ my toothbrush ended up in my husbands sweaty asscrack during a bathroom war.)

Now for today's toothbrush manifesto...

My four-year-old son was sitting on throne taking a deuce in my bathroom. I stepped out of the room to get something and when I came back in, my son says "Mom, look."

These words, spoken whilst on the shitter, are never good...but I looked anyways.

THANKFULLY, he was pointing at the counter and not his ass but there, on my bathroom counter, RIGHT NEXT TO MY TOOTHBRUSH and other necessities, is a piss-soaked roll of toilet paper.

Seems the kid dropped the entire roll in the toilet. I don't know if this was pre-deuce or post-deuce. All I know is that there was piss water all over my bathroom counter, creeping towards my makeup brushes after it sloshed over my toothbrush.

One trip to Target and $100 later (FUCKING TARGET), I have a new toothbrush and some new toothpaste.

By the way, if you are in the market for a new toothbrush, I highly recommend the new Oral B Pulsar. My teeth feel AWESOME. I did notice, whilst brushing, that this toothbrush could double as a G-Spot massager. The shape, the vibrations...but for now, it's staying in my mouth (no buttcracks either!!)

What ~ You didn't know I was a crack whore?

Last night I watched the first episode of this season's American Idol. Being in Minnesota, I was especially interested in this episode since it was the Minneapolis auditions. Normally I hate reality-tv but curiousity got to me and I had to watch.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 watched with me while Thing 3 napped on my chest. The kids got bored and started to play. Suddenly Thing 2 (age four) says "Hey Mom!"

I said "What honey?"

"I'm a crack baby."

Um, WHAT?? Apparently he had been listening when one of the contestants on American Idol said she was a crack baby.

He repeated it over and over for about half an hour. I told the story to his preschool teachers today when I picked him up. Thankfully, he didn't tell THEM that he was a crack baby.

Snip, tape, crop, SCREAM...snip, tape, crop, SCREAM...

I'm a procrastinator. It's no secret. I hate deadlines that are given too far in advance. I tend to forget about them, even though I have daily reminders, and then need to bust my ass at the last minute to meet them.

I managed to finish 170 wedding invitations over the weekend for my friend's wedding, which is on February 24th. I feel guilty that it's so close to the wedding but shit ~ she didn't even buy envelopes until today! AND, in my defense, I told her I would do this in JUNE and to get me the info before I had the baby. I got the info well AFTER the baby was born. It's both of our fault, really. Two procrastinators should not be allowed to collaborate on a project.

I am a member of the Ready, Set, Create! Creative Team. It's an online scrapbooking magazine. The deadline for the Feb/Mar issue is looming. I'm 38% finished with my submissions. Yes, I realize that I am a total nerd for figuring out the percentage but hey...I majored in Finance ~ whaddya gonna do?

I have to finish 52 cards for a card swap by Sunday night and mail them on Monday morning. I am making two cards, 26 of each design. One card is finished and ready for mass production. *wink* The other card is half-finished. I was working on it at 4am and could no longer process anything in my mushy head.

On the back-burner, I want to knit my three-month-old son a had to fit his ginormous head. He's adorable, yes, but the kids has NO hair in the middle of a Minnesota winter. All his baby hats are too small for his melon. I think his head just looks big due to the lack of hair. At least, I hope that's the reason. Seriously though ~ he's adorable and just needs a bigger hat for his three-month-old head. The highs around here are in the single digits to teens lately which is chilly for a baby, even in a heated house.

So I have to scrap my ass off, make a buttload of cards and knit a hat for my kid on top of trying to figure out how in the hell we are going to move to Arkansas without me going in to a full-blown anxiety attack.





shits.

Mommmyyyy...I want my mommmmyyyy!!!

I googled the phrase "You are a Nerd" tonight in google images. I figured it was a safe enough phrase that nothing nasty would pop up.

Then I clicked on page 2 of my results.

Holy

Fucking

Balls

I will never be the same.

I want my Mommy!!!!

My 4yo son scared the bejeezus out of me.

He crawled in to bed with me this morning around 5am. He's been under the weather the last few days but has seemed okay the last day or so.

Around 8am, I went to move him over to my husband's side of the bed. When I rolled him to his side, he just flopped over. He didn't move on his own accord at all.

It brought back vivid flashbacks of the morning my stepdaughter died. My husband and I doing CPR on her...I can't even type it all.

I almost screamed when I saw my son "flop" like that. I shook him awake and he gave me a look like "don't EVER wake me up like that again!"

I don't care. It was worth it for me to see you open your eyes. I love you little man.

I'm blue.

I'm warning you ~ I'm having a pity party for myself tonight. It happens. I try not to do it too often but I'm human. I have been told that I'm not always forthcoming with my emotions and put up walls so people don't know the real me. The last two years have hopefully changed that but I am, and always will be, a work in progress. I may cuss like a trucker and offend everyone around me but deep down, I'm a real person with real feelings. *end Oprah moment*

I feel like most everyone around me has forgotten about Amanda (my stepdaughter who died on Valentine's Day 2006). One of my best friends, Annex has been so wonderful and talks about Amanda with me, asks about her memories, and lets me talk about Amanda without getting weirded out by it. Most of my friends do not bring her up unless I talk about her. Of the Xmas cards we received this year, maybe TWO of them (out of the 75 to 100 we received) made mention of our first Christmas without Amanda. Now, I understand it is hard for some people to talk about but it is not hard for US...her parents. We mentioned her in our Christmas letter this year and will continue to do so in some way each year of our lives. She is our daughter...and always will be whether she is here or not.

Annex gave me a beautiful bookmark with Amanda's picture in it. I almost cried at the restaurant when I opened it. She thought of Amanda and that means so much to me.

Our REALTOR mentioned Amanda in his Xmas card. Granted he's a family friend but our REALTOR mentioned her for fuck's sake!!

The other card that mentioned Amanda was from my inlaws. Of course they are going to mention her. My parents didn't send a card this year but I know they would have mentioned her as they loved her as much as we did.

I got this in an email today from friends in response to our big news that we are moving to Arkansas...

"I'm very happy to hear your news. But it is bittersweet! If only it could have been here in Minnesota. It will seem different with you guys not being here. I know we don't see you very often, but you guys are in our thoughts. Especially this year with the loss of Amanda. Sorry that it took this opportunity for me to acknowledge that."

Don't be sorry ~ Thank YOU for acknowleding that.

I don't know what the point of this is. Maybe I'm venting. Maybe I'm stressed out. Maybe I'm depressed.

I know what it is.

I feel like people are FORGETTING AMANDA. PLEASE don't forget her. Don't forget her 1000 watt smile. Don't forget her giggles. Don't forget the unconditional love she gave to everyone she knew. Don't forget how hard she fought each of her thirteen years. Don't forget that she has two sets of parents and SEVEN total siblings that are missing her more than anything in the world. Don't forget that there is a piece of me, a piece of her Dad, a piece of her Mom...a piece of us that is missing and will never be replaced.

Just don't forget her. Please.




Hunzer and Manders, circa 1997

Fucking men. They have an answer for EVERYTHING.

I was exhausted tonight. I wanted to go to bed at 10:30pm but made myself stay up until midnight to get some shit done. I went to bed and here I sit two hours later, wide awake.

This fucking move has my brain in a tizzy. It's a *good* tizzy but a tizzy nonetheless.

Our youngest child is three months old. He's the only one of our kids that will soothe himself with a pacifier.

Yes, I'm going somewhere with this.

As I'm tossing and turning in bed, the Husband rolls over and says "Hey Hunzer ~ you know how the baby will toss and turn in his bassinet but once he gets his paci in his mouth, he falls right to sleep? Well, my penis..."


After I stopped laughing, I gave him a kidney punch and got out of bed.

Fucking dork.



*smile*

Do Arkansotans exist?

If not, I'll be the FIRST!!

The Husband O'Hunzer has been promoted at work meaning we are packing up our shit and moving to Arkansas.

I have never lived outside of the Twin Cities metro area minus the entire damn state! Same with husband.

I also have never been to Arkansas. Husband has been there a few times for work. We are headed down later this month for house hunting.

I'm keeping a very positive outlook on this but let me just say...



HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE ARE MOVING TO ARKANSAS.



And now I will be positive again. :)

Lesson of the Day.

Do not wash down 8 jagerbombs with two 20 ounce beers.

You will be sorry.





Carry on.

My little piggies want to fall off.

This is why.



I love these shoes but DAMN.

The photo below pretty much describes the entire evening. Yes, it's a tampon wrapper in a beer bottle.



I went out with The Girls tonight for our Chrimmas dinner. We ate at Buca, had plenty of wine, went to an old hangout and drank beer and jager, then ended the night at Bonfire watching dueling pianos. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard! I've known each of these girls since 6th grade. I love going out with them, even if I only see them every few months.




Oh ~ I forgot that Red Bull really DOES keep you up all night. Oops.




Also, I got this little gem in an email from my brother. Seems the little douchebag was bored at work and learned how to use the copy machine. I need some unique ideas on returning the favor...

SCHWING!!

I, Hunzer of the Hunzeresque Brigade, have fallen in love with the Franklin Covey store.

I was not aware that one even existed until tonight. Husband and I took the kids to the Mall of America, aka HELL. We had a friend in from out-of-town and decided to meet her there. I hate the Mall but always venture back maybe once a year. Then I remember why I hate it so much and vow never to return...

until now.

On our way out of the mall, I walked by a Franklin Covey store. I'm a planning NERD but have never realized that there are actual STORES for people like me! I bought a FC planner the other night and tweaked it to my liking. One thing has been bugging me though and that is the six holes on the inserts. Well guess what?

I bought a fucking SIX HOLE PUNCH for my planner tonight! My God I have officially entered dorkville. But that's okay, saddle up next to me at the Dorkville Bar and have a beer with me. You are ALL welcome!

I can't believe that I am excited over my six hole punch. I had a little organizational orgasm whilst perusing the Franklin Covey store.

And I'm spent.

*sigh*

Rubbermaid will love me.

The husband and I have a New Year's goal of organizing our house to the point that an OCD person would be in AWE of us.

Okay, not THAT bad but it will be much more organized than it is right now. This will entail a lot of work, a lot of donations to the local thrift store, some bigger items up for sale on Craigslist and an assload of storage bins properly labeled and stored in the correct location.

Makes me want to puke just thinking about it. There is a reason behind the maddness though...but I can't tell just yet.

On a related note, I finally bought a Franklin Covey planner to try to organize my day-to-day shit. One would think that a stay-at-home Mom wouldn't need a daily planner but listen up...keep track of four kids, my own shit and my husband's schedule is too much for this melon to handle.

I hope you bitches had a good Chrimmas. Ours was fun, crazy and I can't say that I'm sad it's over.

2006 sucked ass and I'm heading in to 2007 with open arms baby!!

GROSS

The feeling of warm, regurgitated breast milk dripping down inside of your shirt is pretty fucking nasty.

Good thing the baby is CUTE!!






PS...It's my breastmilk and my baby so it's not like some random cute baby regurgitated down the front of my shirt. That would be weird.

My latest earworm...

and after watching this, it'll be yours too. It's just got a certain hook to it that I can't stop singing.





After you compose yourself, watch this...





One more (can you tell Saturday's SNL was a good one??)...




Welcome to my hell. One of these three songs is constantly playing in my fucking head!!

Give it on up to homelessville!!

xoxo

Sucks to be YOU!!

Thanks Queenie, ya crazy bitch!!

xoxo

People of the Internets...

meet the String.

Yes, it's just a fucking string. But this string holds importance to me. I hope to see this string start shrinking in size each week.

You see, I had a baby boy 11 weeks ago. While I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight and all that jazz, I'm not comfortable with myself AT ALL. If you have had a baby, you know that things shift afterwards and you look completely different post-baby, even if you weigh the same as when you GOT pregnant.

About ten days ago, I had surgery to take care of some complications from my c-section. I finally feel somewhat normal for the first time since I found out I was pregnant. I have energy again!!

Yet my body disgusts me. Annex sent me her pics from our trip to Burbank. Yeah, I'm a real fucking hottie. GAG There is nothing like seeing your self in photos to really show how nasty you are.

I have a plan in action to start working out and toning the bod. I don't want to diet beacuse I'm nursing. When you are breastfeeding, you are actually supposed to increase your daily caloric intake by 300-500 calories. Cutting calories is a big no-no.

I don't have a scale. Scratch that. I *do* have a scale but it's broken and really needs to be thrown in the garbage. I refuse to buy another one. I don't want to have access to my weight at any given moment.

This is where the String comes in.

I took this string and wrapped it around my waist. This is the circumference of my waist right now. As I work out, I hope to be chopping off bits of this string on a weekly basis. Some day I will measure this string but for now, I like that I do not know the actual measurement.

So wish me luck on this endeavor. Based on my latest weight at the doc's office, I figure I could stand to lose about 20 pounds and still maintain a healthy weight for me and for the baby.

~ My Elliptical Machine is no longer a clothing rack.
~ My 32oz. jug from the hospital (says "Maternity" on it...lol) will be filled with water throughout the day
~ I'm starting my dance classes again on January 3rd ~ tap, jazz and hip-hop. That means I will be dancing and conditioning for two hours every Wednesday night. I had to take a year off of dancing because of school and then the baby. I'm ready to start it again. I miss dancing. Especially tap. I love tap!!
~ I have a new Pilates DVD and Ball. I could take Pilates at my dance studio but that will put me there an extra hour on top of my two hours per week and my daughter's hour each week.
Plus I queef like crazy when I do Pilates. Kind of embarrassing in a group situation.


I'll say it again...men have it so fucking easy.

God I hope this isn't to scale!!

My five-year-old daughter drew a photo of us today. Can you guess which one is me?

I'm a litte unnerved by the belly button. At least, I hope that's my belly button. If it is, why is it as big as my boo-boos?? (Her term for "boobs")


Annex and I went to Burbank, CA last week so I could be a Knitster on an episode of Knitty Gritty. From left to right we have Etta (Knitster), Trish (Knitster), Tricia Waddell (behind Trish, Designer), Vickie Howell (Hostess with the Mostess) and me. :)




I told one of the women who works on the show that I was going to kick off my 30th birthday with this trip to Burbank so they surprised me at the end of the show with a birthday cake! A very delicous birthday cake at that.

Annex and I had an extra day to fuck off in Burbank so that we did. One of the places we visited was the WB Studios. We went on the tour...yes, the lame-ass tour where you ride in a tram around the sound stages and look like complete jackasses...and managed to see some cool sound stages and sets. I thought the Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip sound stage was awesome. It was the most realistic one to me. We did a lot with the Gilmore Girls but since I'm not a fan, I wasn't that impressed. Ask Annex for the glory of it ~ she loves that show! It's just one that I haven't gotten in to yet.

I was bummed because we didn't get to see any ER sound stages. They were taping so all we got to do was catch a glimpse of the ambulance bay, the outside of County General and the outside of Luka Kovac's apartment. Still cool but disappointing. I was also hoping to jump in to Goran Visjnics pants (or John Stamos' pants) but to no avail. Sigh. Better luck next time I guess.

Being the tourist dorks that we are, we got a free photo taken in front of a green screen and were superimposed on to a photo of the penguins from Happy Feet.

Warning ~ Now entering NERDVILLE...(it's a good thing we are cute!)

I hid Annex's face to protect her coolness. *wink* My kids love this photo. They can't believe I got to dance with penguins!!


The fam and I finally decorated our tree tonight. I love it! It's messy, everything clashes with each other and perfect in every way. It looks like a Christmas Ornament store threw up on our tree and then shit out some lights and ribbon to top it off. The angel on top looks drunk. The kids had a blast decorating the tree though and that is what counts. I see all these beautiful Christmas trees in malls, hotels (*coughcoughwhereyoucanstealornamentsfromcoughcough*) and think "how in the hell do people learn to decorate like that? Is there a class I need to take or something?"

Check out this tree from Burbank Town Center. It was ginormous. It was three stories high. I am trying to find out the width of the base because it was fucking HUGE!!



I was born without the Home Decor gene. I like things to match and look nice but that's it. I could give a shit about the rest.

When I find the charger to my camera, I'll post pics of our fugly Xmas tree (I think I left it in Burbank...FUCK!!). Until then, you'll have to use your imagination.

xoxo

PS ~ Annex, good thing we left before Nicole Richie got on the road!! Psst Nicole...More hamburgers, less mary jane.

They are cute AND funny?? I'm in LOVE!!

Thanks to my friend Marie, I have discovered the hysterical and hot duo of Barats and Bereta. They crack my shit up! A few of my favorite videos from them are below.

Completely Uncalled For




Auto Insurance




Mother's Day Photo





Like I said ~ they are hot AND funny. A perfect Hunzer combo!

XOXO

The funniest shit I've ever read in a Holiday Letter...EVER!!

This letter is from an elderly Aunt whom I never see. My Mom actually got the letter but I'm just saying I read it to make the story easier to tell.

The letter was your typical Debbie Downer Holiday letter with major health problems for my elderly Uncle, etc. My Mom was reading it to me and each line just got worse and worse.

Then she read this one.

"Sadly Petie, our singing canary, died of a heart attack while I was clipping his nails."

I lost it. I was laughing so hard that I was in tears. My Mom says "Yep, that's when I lost it too."

My question was "Can you even clip a bird's nails?"

My Mom's question was "How in the hell did she know he had a heart attack?"

Then the clincher:

Remember Petie on Dumb and Dumber?
"Our pets' HEADS are falling off!!"
"Pretty bird, pretty bird."





And,


just for those Eddie Murphy "Delirious" fans...


My Great Aunt's name is Bunny.

No shit.

I have an Aunt Bunny.





and she's comin' to git me.

Word.


;)

I'm POOPED!! Home from Los Angeles my lovelies.

I went to Los Angeles this week to be a Knitster on the DIY Network show Knitty Gritty. If you knit (and even crochet), then chances are that you are aware of this funky show. It was fun. I'm exhausted. I'm now realizing how much I suck at the craft of knitting. :)

More to come...

xoxo

Men have it SOOOOO fucking EASY!!

This is my uterus as of the last NINE FUCKING WEEKS...



She's a little cranky, that one.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.





Carry on.

(Oh ~ I did NOT knit that uterus. If you want to knit it, there IS a pattern...follow me...)

One Week to Los Angeles baby!!

(And I write out "Los Angeles" instead of LA because I was asked if I was going to Louisiana...by a Cali girl no less! Ya goof!)

I have a shitload of stuff to get done before I leave and I found out today that I'm having some minor surgery on Thursday or Friday. That will put me down for at least two days (and it best not go beyond that).

I found out that I can bring my knitting needles and crochet hooks on the plane. YAY! It's a 3.5 hour flight and I'm a nervous flyer so this will be a welcome distraction.

That and Xanax.

And Annex.

And now I bust out in haiku...

Xanax and Annex
Two of my favorite things.
LA here we come!

Some random spoutings for this fine Wednesday morning:

* My cat trained herself to shit outside. This happened sometime this summer. (Not that I'm complaining...) Is that weird?

* When will this bunghole update his damn blog?

* My husband can sleep under ANY condition yet I will stay up all night worrying about the most unimportant things. I wish I had his sleeping abilities but I will pass on his extreme snoring. My God it is going to drive me insane one of these days.

* I'm really starting to like this knitting thing. I love to crochet but it seems there are cuter clothing items when it comes to knitting.

* I'm so far behind on my scrapbooking but guess what...I do not care! I recently become a member of a design team so I know I will get cracking on those pages soon enough.

* I have found a new love for making cards and doing card swaps. It's so much fun to be able to give a handmade card. Of course, I will always purchase cards from this website...They are so wrong yet so damn funny!

Peace, love and all that shit...

~Hunzer

This is so stinkin' CUTE!

If you are in the mood to smile, then go check out this website. My favorite photo from that page is right here:



I want that cat!

Rock out with your Gem out.

Just in time for the holidays.

I present to you, the Gem Sweater song.

Enjoy!


(A metallic camel-toe is really quite frightening, isn't it?

Dammit! The quiz nailed me.

I hate it when they are right.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Midland
North Central
The West
The Northeast
Philadelphia
Boston
The South
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

Can somebody punch me in the face?

Because I have Fergie's lovely "London Bridge" gellin' in my melon and frankly, a broken jaw would be more pleasant.





That's all.

My new favorite term...

Panty Crickets.







Discuss.

My own Mastercard commercial.

Roundtrip Ticket to Los Angeles ~ $175

Three Nights Hotel ~ $375

The experience I will have ~ PRICELESS



Holy shit ... I'm going to LA bitches!! To make this already perfect trip even MORE perfect, I'm going with one of my bestest friends in the whole world, Annex.

Annex is not only one of my best friends but she and I have gone on a few vacays together. The most recent one was Atlanta in February 2005 so I think it's high time we corrupt another town.

I turn 30 years old in February. *gulp* Yes, I said THIRTY. This trip shall kick off my 30th birthday festivities...and we are going in December.

Yeah ~ I'm celebrating my birthday over the span of at least three months. Don't be jealous.

L

A

BABY!!!



I'm so excited that I could just SHIT.
Unfortunately I cannot so I will just do a little jig around my kitchen island.

I'm such a quiz whore. And a scrapbooking whore.

Therefore, I give you the SCRAPBOOKING PAPER QUIZ. Love me now, hate me later.

Which Scrapbooking Paper Collection Are You?

You are CHATTERBOX paper!You enjoy being a social butterfly and tend sometimes to think of scrapbooking more as a social event! When at a crop you might find yourself talking more than scrapping! But that's okay, when you do do a page it is bright and sunny just like your personality!
Take this quiz!








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Thank you to Kara and her blog for turning me on to this quiz. XOXO

Only Me...

I pulled a "Hunzer" today...again...

If you read my old blog, then you are aware of the razor vs. taint incident. If not, use your imagination.

This morning I managed to poke myself in the eye with my tweezers. That felt FANTASTIC. There is nothing like a good scrape across your pupil to start your day out right.

*eyeroll*

sonofabitch!

I was about 30 rows in to knitting my daughter's scarf when I realized I fucked up. I ended up frogging the whole thing.

Bastard.

Note to self ~ Don't knit while on Ambien. It doesn't turn out so hot.

Here's a little known factoid for ya!

Did you know that Minnesota is home to the World's Largest Turkey? That it is folks!

The familia and I happened to be near this big ass turkey back in May so we snapped a few pics of the giant piece of poultry. Enjoy.

A few of my recent projects.

Crocheted Hat and Scarf from The Happy Hooker (Boy Beanie and One Skein Scarf). I tweaked the pattern a bit for the boy beanie but followed the one for the scarf exact.








Here's my progress on my newborn son's baby blanket, all done in single crochet.




A hat to match my son's blanket.




The first three pages from my Circle Journal. This is going to be passed around a group of about 10 scrapbookers.








Two cards that I just finished for a card swap.






And a photo of my newborn son, born October 2nd. Have to share this cutie!! I post this photo because he has jowls. He was born 5.5 weeks early and just skin-and-bones. Now he's getting some fat on his little body.





xoxo,

~ Hunz