Thursday, November 29, 2007

Hey thanks, kid.

I was snuggling in bed with Thing 1 and Thing 2 last night when Thing 2 looks at me, points to my boobs and says:

"They are just like mountains Momma...up and down and up and down!"

Gotta love that kid. He's five years old and the things that come out of his mouth at times is devine! Or...not.

Another example:

He walks by my bathroom the other day and sees me pull down my pants. He stops, starts giggling and says "your butt wiggles when you pull your pants down!"

Again...thanks, kid.

This is the same adorable boy that, a few weeks ago, told me that I had a "yummy butt".

I said "What? I have a yummy butt?"

He says "Yes you do because it's so big and squishy!!"

I swear to the holy heavens that my ass is not THAT big. Yes, I have junk in my budunkadunk but damn...I'm not hauling a tractor trailor!!

Sigh. He's lucky he's cute. *wink*

~ xoxo ~

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

{ Ew. }

I had a dream last night that I was performing on stage with Britney and we both accidentally flashed our "lady gardens".

Our piss flaps.

Our beef drapes.

You know what I'm sayin'.

I'm scared. Someone hold me.

Monday, November 26, 2007

See that dumbass in yellow?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

That's me.

There might be a little bit of pee dribbling down my leg, too.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

(See that rickety ass tower in the back? We zipped to it. Yeah.
Now you understand the whole "pee-dribble" issue.)

I also rapelled into a cave with my BFF Estrella. ;) I don't rockclimb. I don't rapell. If you have ever read this blog, you know that I fall with ease. This was hard as hell...scary too. I liked it.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

After the rapelling adventure, we went snorkeling in a cenote ~ a freshwater area in a cave. Before we got in the water, our guide told us that it was cold but we couldn't be loud about it.


Because we would wake the bats.

There were fucking BATS in there.

And they DID wake up.

I'm sitting in this freezing ass water with a snorkel on my face thinking "I could conquer my fear of icky things that live in the water by keeping my face in or I could keep my face out of the water, get bit by an angry bat and die of rabies like the dude in MN a few weeks ago."

I kept my face in the water as much as possible.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I conquered a few fears that day ~ heights with the ziplines and rapelling, and water/bats with the cenote shit.

Oh, and I let this little beauty crawl up my arm...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Yes, she's as big as she looks. Meet "Spidey".
I have no photos of her crawling up my arm but I do have a video of it.
(*ahem, Ron...)

~ xoxo ~

PS...I'm well aware of the ginormous camel-toe that I'm sporting. Hey man ~ you try be harnessed to a wire, flying through the air in the mo'fo' jungle and see how nice your vajayjay looks when you are done!!

PPS...After a day like this, we need several shots of this!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

No time to talk ~ just a quick picture share.

Damn work. It's taking up all my free time! A few quickies from Mexico.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Where we spent the majority of our time ~ in the pool and at the pool bar:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

We started with six, ended with 12 in our group. Crazies attract crazies, I guess. :)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

More to come in a few days when we get through this whole Thanksgiving stuff. :)


Sunday, November 18, 2007

Mama's Home kids. Mama's Home.

She's home but she's not happy about it.

I had soooooooo much fun you guys!! SO MUCH. I have a lot of stories to tell and many pics to share.

I just wanted to let my blog-kids know that I am home.


Thursday, November 08, 2007

Quote, Unquote...

I just got this in my email from a friend of mine that I will be in Mexico with.
(Wow ~ that ^^ was some SHITCAN grammar right there).

This was in regards to her own personal waxing experience from last night. She sums it up perfectly!

This evening I had the hair ripped out of my arm pits and off of my
Ouch. I couldn't even fathom the idea of having my asshole pubes
ripped out after she so viciously tore chunks of hair off of my outer
labia. I couldn't do it. But, I will have one rockin pussy for the
trip. :-)

(I wouldn't let that hot wax near my browneye thanks! I made sure she steered clear of the taint as well. I will not jeopardize my taint for ANYTHING.)


And it has NOTHING to do with Mexico.

It's because of THIS...

Dane Cook's new CD/DVD, "Rough Around the Edges" drops on November 13th.

Annex ~ Do I sense a date night here???

Gots to go wash the hair dye outta my hair.

(Now I have that fucking flute melody stuck in my head!!)

~ xoxo ~

PS...I *am* CRAZY hyper about Mexico. WOOT!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Waxing ~ Round 2

So I got the lady garden waxed on Monday night.

Tonight saw the removal of the leg hair, the armpit hair and the 'stache.

The legs were only painful around the ankles. When I say "painful", I mean "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK that hurts!!" The rest was no big thing.

The armpits were uncomfortable but a necessary evil.

The 'stache is the 'stache. I don't want to blend in with the hombres down in Mexico, if ya get my drift.

Oh, I didn't mention I'm going to Mexico? Yes. I'm going to Mexico. It's going to be DEVINE!!!

Hence the Hairless Hunzer.


Monday, November 05, 2007

{ Owie }

My vagina hurts.

Yes, I said it.

My vagina hurts.

I got waxed for the first time tonight. Instead of bikini, I went for brazilian.

I want to stuff a bag of frozen peas down the front of my pants.

That's all.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

I'd rather have a raging case of the clap.

I feel like shit.
Like complete ass.

I have a nasty, nasty, NASTY virus that is kicking my ass. I can't eat or drink anything because my throat is on FIRE.

("Scotty's on FIRE"...quick, name that movie).

Seriously though, it feels like I'm swallowing razor blades. I stayed home from work today because of this, which makes me sad because I love my job. I look forward to going to work everyday. Weird, I know.

I don't have strep. I don't have pneumonia. I don't have influenza. I just have a virus.

One that hurts and hurts BAD. I didn't eat or drink anything today because of this sore throat and ended up getting a bag of IV fluids while at the doc's office late this afternoon.

When you are dehydrated, it's a bitch to try to find a vein. THAT was a barrel o'fun.

However, my adorably pregnant doctor, who rocks the casbah, gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3 (oh yippee) and "magic mouthwash".

Have you ever taken "Magic Mouthwash"?

I'm convinced it comes from the devil himself ~ like potato salad and yogurt.

Except while those come from the devil's taint, this "Magic Mouthwash" comes from the wrinkles in his nutsack.

Yes my friends, I'm convinced that "Magic Mouthwash" is actually the Devil's fumunda cheese. The Devil's smegma. The Devil's curds and whey.

It's HORRIBLE tasting and it looks like bloody-tinged semen. (It's times like these I wish I could link to Annex's blog because, well, she's got a doozy on there right now that relates to this story!)

Did that stop me from using it? HELL to the NO. Why? Because it's LIDOCAINE in gel form and NUMBS the throat when gargled.

It tastes awful. Truly, truly awful.

But it works well.

I'm rambling. Here are the important points:

~ I don't like yogurt or potato salad.
~ Magic Mouthwash is nasty, looks like semen, tastes like shit but works like a charm.
~ I look like a herion addict with all the needle marks and bruising from that fucking IV.
~ I feel like dick.
~ I'd rather have a raging case of the clap.