Thursday, November 01, 2007

I'd rather have a raging case of the clap.

I feel like shit.
Like complete ass.

I have a nasty, nasty, NASTY virus that is kicking my ass. I can't eat or drink anything because my throat is on FIRE.

("Scotty's on FIRE"...quick, name that movie).

Seriously though, it feels like I'm swallowing razor blades. I stayed home from work today because of this, which makes me sad because I love my job. I look forward to going to work everyday. Weird, I know.

I don't have strep. I don't have pneumonia. I don't have influenza. I just have a virus.

One that hurts and hurts BAD. I didn't eat or drink anything today because of this sore throat and ended up getting a bag of IV fluids while at the doc's office late this afternoon.

When you are dehydrated, it's a bitch to try to find a vein. THAT was a barrel o'fun.

However, my adorably pregnant doctor, who rocks the casbah, gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3 (oh yippee) and "magic mouthwash".

Have you ever taken "Magic Mouthwash"?

I'm convinced it comes from the devil himself ~ like potato salad and yogurt.

Except while those come from the devil's taint, this "Magic Mouthwash" comes from the wrinkles in his nutsack.

Yes my friends, I'm convinced that "Magic Mouthwash" is actually the Devil's fumunda cheese. The Devil's smegma. The Devil's curds and whey.

It's HORRIBLE tasting and it looks like bloody-tinged semen. (It's times like these I wish I could link to Annex's blog because, well, she's got a doozy on there right now that relates to this story!)

Did that stop me from using it? HELL to the NO. Why? Because it's LIDOCAINE in gel form and NUMBS the throat when gargled.

It tastes awful. Truly, truly awful.

But it works well.

I'm rambling. Here are the important points:

~ I don't like yogurt or potato salad.
~ Magic Mouthwash is nasty, looks like semen, tastes like shit but works like a charm.
~ I look like a herion addict with all the needle marks and bruising from that fucking IV.
~ I feel like dick.
~ I'd rather have a raging case of the clap.

xoxo

7 comments:

Nesa said...

feel better soon hunzie babe.

and i don't think i've ever quite had magic mouthwash described in that way. gives it a whole new outlook. LOL

Wendylicious said...

Poor Hunz Baby...kisses and smooches to make it better!


(PS...Austin Powers, it was Goldmember I think)

the real ~Roxann~ said...

Dammit, Hunz!!! You made spit Diet Coke on my Macbook! YOU SUCK!!!

But, I do hope you feel better soon!!! Poor baby.....

Oh, and thanks for the Congrats on my blog..... :) Appreciate your kind words...

A J Doetkott said...

OH SWEETHEART!!! I'm so sorry!

Despite it all you got me laughing and I love you for that.

The devil spunk will certainly get you through this.

Tomorrow you'll be feeling better, I know this. I had a little chat with ...

Michelle said...

Hey you. Sick = no good. That mouthwash is awful. Last time my throat felt like that I had a viral form of tonsilitis. Dude I have no tonsils. Anways, take care!

EatCrayons said...

Ohhh Chick...don't those kinds of sick just suck!? :( Magic Mouthwash...I'm thinking I'd prefer to die...then again when your throat is hurting THAT bad which is the lesser evil?

Hope the Tylenol3 is is serving you well, and you're feeling much better!!

Angela said...

So, I'm just some random girl, who typed in "Magic Mouthwash" and Numbing and your the first link that came up... and I have to say I know exactly how you feel and that magic mouthwash is some nasty stuff... It taste like some med's I had to take when I was 9 and had a bladder infection! It was nasty then and nasty now... but oddly enough I am still using it... I've tried my best to dodge my tongue and all taste buds if at all possible but it never works, and I gag when I'm spitting it out... but darn if it doesn't numb my throat for a while! Anyway I'm glad I'm not the only one who's at one time suffered through this. I hope you never have to go through it again.