Sunday, December 31, 2006

Lesson of the Day.

Do not wash down 8 jagerbombs with two 20 ounce beers.

You will be sorry.

Carry on.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

My little piggies want to fall off.

This is why.

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I love these shoes but DAMN.

The photo below pretty much describes the entire evening. Yes, it's a tampon wrapper in a beer bottle.

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I went out with The Girls tonight for our Chrimmas dinner. We ate at Buca, had plenty of wine, went to an old hangout and drank beer and jager, then ended the night at Bonfire watching dueling pianos. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard! I've known each of these girls since 6th grade. I love going out with them, even if I only see them every few months.

Oh ~ I forgot that Red Bull really DOES keep you up all night. Oops.

Also, I got this little gem in an email from my brother. Seems the little douchebag was bored at work and learned how to use the copy machine. I need some unique ideas on returning the favor...

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Thursday, December 28, 2006


I, Hunzer of the Hunzeresque Brigade, have fallen in love with the Franklin Covey store.

I was not aware that one even existed until tonight. Husband and I took the kids to the Mall of America, aka HELL. We had a friend in from out-of-town and decided to meet her there. I hate the Mall but always venture back maybe once a year. Then I remember why I hate it so much and vow never to return...

until now.

On our way out of the mall, I walked by a Franklin Covey store. I'm a planning NERD but have never realized that there are actual STORES for people like me! I bought a FC planner the other night and tweaked it to my liking. One thing has been bugging me though and that is the six holes on the inserts. Well guess what?

I bought a fucking SIX HOLE PUNCH for my planner tonight! My God I have officially entered dorkville. But that's okay, saddle up next to me at the Dorkville Bar and have a beer with me. You are ALL welcome!

I can't believe that I am excited over my six hole punch. I had a little organizational orgasm whilst perusing the Franklin Covey store.

And I'm spent.


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Rubbermaid will love me.

The husband and I have a New Year's goal of organizing our house to the point that an OCD person would be in AWE of us.

Okay, not THAT bad but it will be much more organized than it is right now. This will entail a lot of work, a lot of donations to the local thrift store, some bigger items up for sale on Craigslist and an assload of storage bins properly labeled and stored in the correct location.

Makes me want to puke just thinking about it. There is a reason behind the maddness though...but I can't tell just yet.

On a related note, I finally bought a Franklin Covey planner to try to organize my day-to-day shit. One would think that a stay-at-home Mom wouldn't need a daily planner but listen up...keep track of four kids, my own shit and my husband's schedule is too much for this melon to handle.

I hope you bitches had a good Chrimmas. Ours was fun, crazy and I can't say that I'm sad it's over.

2006 sucked ass and I'm heading in to 2007 with open arms baby!!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


The feeling of warm, regurgitated breast milk dripping down inside of your shirt is pretty fucking nasty.

Good thing the baby is CUTE!!

PS...It's my breastmilk and my baby so it's not like some random cute baby regurgitated down the front of my shirt. That would be weird.

My latest earworm...

and after watching this, it'll be yours too. It's just got a certain hook to it that I can't stop singing.

After you compose yourself, watch this...

One more (can you tell Saturday's SNL was a good one??)...

Welcome to my hell. One of these three songs is constantly playing in my fucking head!!

Give it on up to homelessville!!


Thursday, December 14, 2006

Sucks to be YOU!!

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Thanks Queenie, ya crazy bitch!!


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

People of the Internets...

meet the String.

Yes, it's just a fucking string. But this string holds importance to me. I hope to see this string start shrinking in size each week.

You see, I had a baby boy 11 weeks ago. While I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight and all that jazz, I'm not comfortable with myself AT ALL. If you have had a baby, you know that things shift afterwards and you look completely different post-baby, even if you weigh the same as when you GOT pregnant.

About ten days ago, I had surgery to take care of some complications from my c-section. I finally feel somewhat normal for the first time since I found out I was pregnant. I have energy again!!

Yet my body disgusts me. Annex sent me her pics from our trip to Burbank. Yeah, I'm a real fucking hottie. GAG There is nothing like seeing your self in photos to really show how nasty you are.

I have a plan in action to start working out and toning the bod. I don't want to diet beacuse I'm nursing. When you are breastfeeding, you are actually supposed to increase your daily caloric intake by 300-500 calories. Cutting calories is a big no-no.

I don't have a scale. Scratch that. I *do* have a scale but it's broken and really needs to be thrown in the garbage. I refuse to buy another one. I don't want to have access to my weight at any given moment.

This is where the String comes in.

I took this string and wrapped it around my waist. This is the circumference of my waist right now. As I work out, I hope to be chopping off bits of this string on a weekly basis. Some day I will measure this string but for now, I like that I do not know the actual measurement.

So wish me luck on this endeavor. Based on my latest weight at the doc's office, I figure I could stand to lose about 20 pounds and still maintain a healthy weight for me and for the baby.

~ My Elliptical Machine is no longer a clothing rack.
~ My 32oz. jug from the hospital (says "Maternity" on will be filled with water throughout the day
~ I'm starting my dance classes again on January 3rd ~ tap, jazz and hip-hop. That means I will be dancing and conditioning for two hours every Wednesday night. I had to take a year off of dancing because of school and then the baby. I'm ready to start it again. I miss dancing. Especially tap. I love tap!!
~ I have a new Pilates DVD and Ball. I could take Pilates at my dance studio but that will put me there an extra hour on top of my two hours per week and my daughter's hour each week.
Plus I queef like crazy when I do Pilates. Kind of embarrassing in a group situation.

I'll say it have it so fucking easy.

Monday, December 11, 2006

God I hope this isn't to scale!!

My five-year-old daughter drew a photo of us today. Can you guess which one is me?

I'm a litte unnerved by the belly button. At least, I hope that's my belly button. If it is, why is it as big as my boo-boos?? (Her term for "boobs")

Annex and I went to Burbank, CA last week so I could be a Knitster on an episode of Knitty Gritty. From left to right we have Etta (Knitster), Trish (Knitster), Tricia Waddell (behind Trish, Designer), Vickie Howell (Hostess with the Mostess) and me. :)

I told one of the women who works on the show that I was going to kick off my 30th birthday with this trip to Burbank so they surprised me at the end of the show with a birthday cake! A very delicous birthday cake at that.

Annex and I had an extra day to fuck off in Burbank so that we did. One of the places we visited was the WB Studios. We went on the tour...yes, the lame-ass tour where you ride in a tram around the sound stages and look like complete jackasses...and managed to see some cool sound stages and sets. I thought the Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip sound stage was awesome. It was the most realistic one to me. We did a lot with the Gilmore Girls but since I'm not a fan, I wasn't that impressed. Ask Annex for the glory of it ~ she loves that show! It's just one that I haven't gotten in to yet.

I was bummed because we didn't get to see any ER sound stages. They were taping so all we got to do was catch a glimpse of the ambulance bay, the outside of County General and the outside of Luka Kovac's apartment. Still cool but disappointing. I was also hoping to jump in to Goran Visjnics pants (or John Stamos' pants) but to no avail. Sigh. Better luck next time I guess.

Being the tourist dorks that we are, we got a free photo taken in front of a green screen and were superimposed on to a photo of the penguins from Happy Feet.

Warning ~ Now entering NERDVILLE...(it's a good thing we are cute!)

I hid Annex's face to protect her coolness. *wink* My kids love this photo. They can't believe I got to dance with penguins!!

The fam and I finally decorated our tree tonight. I love it! It's messy, everything clashes with each other and perfect in every way. It looks like a Christmas Ornament store threw up on our tree and then shit out some lights and ribbon to top it off. The angel on top looks drunk. The kids had a blast decorating the tree though and that is what counts. I see all these beautiful Christmas trees in malls, hotels (*coughcoughwhereyoucanstealornamentsfromcoughcough*) and think "how in the hell do people learn to decorate like that? Is there a class I need to take or something?"

Check out this tree from Burbank Town Center. It was ginormous. It was three stories high. I am trying to find out the width of the base because it was fucking HUGE!!

I was born without the Home Decor gene. I like things to match and look nice but that's it. I could give a shit about the rest.

When I find the charger to my camera, I'll post pics of our fugly Xmas tree (I think I left it in Burbank...FUCK!!). Until then, you'll have to use your imagination.


PS ~ Annex, good thing we left before Nicole Richie got on the road!! Psst Nicole...More hamburgers, less mary jane.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

They are cute AND funny?? I'm in LOVE!!

Thanks to my friend Marie, I have discovered the hysterical and hot duo of Barats and Bereta. They crack my shit up! A few of my favorite videos from them are below.

Completely Uncalled For

Auto Insurance

Mother's Day Photo

Like I said ~ they are hot AND funny. A perfect Hunzer combo!


Friday, December 08, 2006

The funniest shit I've ever read in a Holiday Letter...EVER!!

This letter is from an elderly Aunt whom I never see. My Mom actually got the letter but I'm just saying I read it to make the story easier to tell.

The letter was your typical Debbie Downer Holiday letter with major health problems for my elderly Uncle, etc. My Mom was reading it to me and each line just got worse and worse.

Then she read this one.

"Sadly Petie, our singing canary, died of a heart attack while I was clipping his nails."

I lost it. I was laughing so hard that I was in tears. My Mom says "Yep, that's when I lost it too."

My question was "Can you even clip a bird's nails?"

My Mom's question was "How in the hell did she know he had a heart attack?"

Then the clincher:

Remember Petie on Dumb and Dumber?
"Our pets' HEADS are falling off!!"
"Pretty bird, pretty bird."


just for those Eddie Murphy "Delirious" fans...

My Great Aunt's name is Bunny.

No shit.

I have an Aunt Bunny.

and she's comin' to git me.



I'm POOPED!! Home from Los Angeles my lovelies.

I went to Los Angeles this week to be a Knitster on the DIY Network show Knitty Gritty. If you knit (and even crochet), then chances are that you are aware of this funky show. It was fun. I'm exhausted. I'm now realizing how much I suck at the craft of knitting. :)

More to come...


Monday, December 04, 2006

Men have it SOOOOO fucking EASY!!

This is my uterus as of the last NINE FUCKING WEEKS...

She's a little cranky, that one.


Carry on.

(Oh ~ I did NOT knit that uterus. If you want to knit it, there IS a pattern...follow me...)