I'm blue.

I'm warning you ~ I'm having a pity party for myself tonight. It happens. I try not to do it too often but I'm human. I have been told that I'm not always forthcoming with my emotions and put up walls so people don't know the real me. The last two years have hopefully changed that but I am, and always will be, a work in progress. I may cuss like a trucker and offend everyone around me but deep down, I'm a real person with real feelings. *end Oprah moment*

I feel like most everyone around me has forgotten about Amanda (my stepdaughter who died on Valentine's Day 2006). One of my best friends, Annex has been so wonderful and talks about Amanda with me, asks about her memories, and lets me talk about Amanda without getting weirded out by it. Most of my friends do not bring her up unless I talk about her. Of the Xmas cards we received this year, maybe TWO of them (out of the 75 to 100 we received) made mention of our first Christmas without Amanda. Now, I understand it is hard for some people to talk about but it is not hard for US...her parents. We mentioned her in our Christmas letter this year and will continue to do so in some way each year of our lives. She is our daughter...and always will be whether she is here or not.

Annex gave me a beautiful bookmark with Amanda's picture in it. I almost cried at the restaurant when I opened it. She thought of Amanda and that means so much to me.

Our REALTOR mentioned Amanda in his Xmas card. Granted he's a family friend but our REALTOR mentioned her for fuck's sake!!

The other card that mentioned Amanda was from my inlaws. Of course they are going to mention her. My parents didn't send a card this year but I know they would have mentioned her as they loved her as much as we did.

I got this in an email today from friends in response to our big news that we are moving to Arkansas...

"I'm very happy to hear your news. But it is bittersweet! If only it could have been here in Minnesota. It will seem different with you guys not being here. I know we don't see you very often, but you guys are in our thoughts. Especially this year with the loss of Amanda. Sorry that it took this opportunity for me to acknowledge that."

Don't be sorry ~ Thank YOU for acknowleding that.

I don't know what the point of this is. Maybe I'm venting. Maybe I'm stressed out. Maybe I'm depressed.

I know what it is.

I feel like people are FORGETTING AMANDA. PLEASE don't forget her. Don't forget her 1000 watt smile. Don't forget her giggles. Don't forget the unconditional love she gave to everyone she knew. Don't forget how hard she fought each of her thirteen years. Don't forget that she has two sets of parents and SEVEN total siblings that are missing her more than anything in the world. Don't forget that there is a piece of me, a piece of her Dad, a piece of her Mom...a piece of us that is missing and will never be replaced.

Just don't forget her. Please.




Hunzer and Manders, circa 1997