Tuesday, October 14, 2008

{Blue}.

That is my heart tonight.

How can I love my job so much yet hate it with every ounce of my being? I work at a cancer clinic. I've been there exactly one year. I love my job. I feel like I have found my niche.

But I hate that I have a job because of cancer.

I hate that I meet these absolutely wonderful, uplifting people every day and know that there is nothing I can do to medically help them. I hate that cancer is killing Moms, Dads, sisters, brothers, grandparents, friends, and strangers. I fucking HATE IT.

We have a patient right now that is in the fight of her life. She is young, has young children, has a wonderful husband...and is in the fight of her life. I'm scared for her. I'm scared for her babies. I'm scared for her husband. I'm angry for her. I cannot stop thinking about her. She's my age. Her children are the same age as mine. She's got a beautiful smile, a beautiful family and a wonderful attitude.

I wish that I could detach myself from the patients like some of the people at the clinic. I can't. Every patient has a story. Every patient is loved by someone. Every patient is fighting for their life. I can't help but get attached to them.

When cancer defeats them, my heart breaks. It breaks over and over again on a daily basis.

I want to drop-kick cancer in its balls.


~ xoxo ~

4 comments:

Stacia Howard said...

My heart aches for you as well. I give you so much credit for being able to work there but even more so for the compassion you have for your patients. That's very rare to find & so much better than being cold hearted. Keep your chin up, you have no idea what the tender heart does for those families. When my Daddy was in ICU it meant the world to us when those that took care of him got attached & really showed they cared, not just doing their job. While it's hard on you & everyone else having someone care that doesn't even know them makes a HUGE difference.

Nessa said...

{{BIG HUGS}} I cannot imagine - and I dont think I could ever detach myself from the situation, so this would totally not be the career for me.

PS - I noticed I'm not on your blog list b*tch ... what up? ;)

the real ~Roxann~ said...

Wow! I can't believe you've already been there a year! I know what you mean. CANCER SUCKS MOLDY ASS!!!! It robbed me of my mother when she was only 51. FIFTY-ONE! What kind of bullshit is that?!?!?

But, I am glad you've found a job that feels like your place. It just goes to prove, Sarah, that you are an angel here on earth. Helping and loving these people in the ways you can. Believe me, people like you are hard to find and are so important to these patients and their families. So, keep doing what you do and know that these patients and families appreciate you more than you will ever, ever know!!!!

((((hugs))))

Roxann

A J Doetkott said...

Girl. Your love and compassion for these people enriches THEIR lives. I promise. You're not meant to be the one who detaches from their pain.

I'm going to go ahead and just say it. God gave you a tremendous heart because he knew you'd make good use of it.

love you!!!