Hey thanks, kid.

I was snuggling in bed with Thing 1 and Thing 2 last night when Thing 2 looks at me, points to my boobs and says:

"They are just like mountains Momma...up and down and up and down!"


Gotta love that kid. He's five years old and the things that come out of his mouth at times is devine! Or...not.

Another example:

He walks by my bathroom the other day and sees me pull down my pants. He stops, starts giggling and says "your butt wiggles when you pull your pants down!"

Again...thanks, kid.


This is the same adorable boy that, a few weeks ago, told me that I had a "yummy butt".

I said "What? I have a yummy butt?"

He says "Yes you do because it's so big and squishy!!"


I swear to the holy heavens that my ass is not THAT big. Yes, I have junk in my budunkadunk but damn...I'm not hauling a tractor trailor!!


Sigh. He's lucky he's cute. *wink*


~ xoxo ~

{ Ew. }

I had a dream last night that I was performing on stage with Britney and we both accidentally flashed our "lady gardens".

Our piss flaps.

Our beef drapes.

You know what I'm sayin'.


I'm scared. Someone hold me.

See that dumbass in yellow?

That's me.

There might be a little bit of pee dribbling down my leg, too.














(See that rickety ass tower in the back? We zipped to it. Yeah.
Now you understand the whole "pee-dribble" issue.)


I also rapelled into a cave with my BFF Estrella. ;) I don't rockclimb. I don't rapell. If you have ever read this blog, you know that I fall with ease. This was hard as hell...scary too. I liked it.






After the rapelling adventure, we went snorkeling in a cenote ~ a freshwater area in a cave. Before we got in the water, our guide told us that it was cold but we couldn't be loud about it.

Why?

Because we would wake the bats.

There were fucking BATS in there.

And they DID wake up.

I'm sitting in this freezing ass water with a snorkel on my face thinking "I could conquer my fear of icky things that live in the water by keeping my face in or I could keep my face out of the water, get bit by an angry bat and die of rabies like the dude in MN a few weeks ago."

I kept my face in the water as much as possible.




I conquered a few fears that day ~ heights with the ziplines and rapelling, and water/bats with the cenote shit.


Oh, and I let this little beauty crawl up my arm...




Yes, she's as big as she looks. Meet "Spidey".
I have no photos of her crawling up my arm but I do have a video of it.
(*ahem, Ron...)


~ xoxo ~

PS...I'm well aware of the ginormous camel-toe that I'm sporting. Hey man ~ you try be harnessed to a wire, flying through the air in the mo'fo' jungle and see how nice your vajayjay looks when you are done!!

PPS...After a day like this, we need several shots of this!

No time to talk ~ just a quick picture share.

Damn work. It's taking up all my free time! A few quickies from Mexico.






Where we spent the majority of our time ~ in the pool and at the pool bar:




We started with six, ended with 12 in our group. Crazies attract crazies, I guess. :)




More to come in a few days when we get through this whole Thanksgiving stuff. :)

~xoxo~

Mama's Home kids. Mama's Home.

She's home but she's not happy about it.

I had soooooooo much fun you guys!! SO MUCH. I have a lot of stories to tell and many pics to share.

I just wanted to let my blog-kids know that I am home.

*smooches*

Quote, Unquote...

I just got this in my email from a friend of mine that I will be in Mexico with.
(Wow ~ that ^^ was some SHITCAN grammar right there).


This was in regards to her own personal waxing experience from last night. She sums it up perfectly!

This evening I had the hair ripped out of my arm pits and off of my
vagine. Can I just say 'WHAT THE FUCK WOULD POSSESS ME TO DO THAT?'
Ouch. I couldn't even fathom the idea of having my asshole pubes
ripped out after she so viciously tore chunks of hair off of my outer
labia. I couldn't do it. But, I will have one rockin pussy for the
trip. :-)


(I wouldn't let that hot wax near my browneye either...no thanks! I made sure she steered clear of the taint as well. I will not jeopardize my taint for ANYTHING.)

Dudes. I AM SO EXCITED!!

And it has NOTHING to do with Mexico.

It's because of THIS...




Dane Cook's new CD/DVD, "Rough Around the Edges" drops on November 13th.

Annex ~ Do I sense a date night here???

Gots to go wash the hair dye outta my hair.

(Now I have that fucking flute melody stuck in my head!!)


~ xoxo ~


PS...I *am* CRAZY hyper about Mexico. WOOT!

Waxing ~ Round 2

So I got the lady garden waxed on Monday night.

Tonight saw the removal of the leg hair, the armpit hair and the 'stache.

The legs were only painful around the ankles. When I say "painful", I mean "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK that hurts!!" The rest was no big thing.

The armpits were uncomfortable but a necessary evil.

The 'stache is the 'stache. I don't want to blend in with the hombres down in Mexico, if ya get my drift.

Oh, I didn't mention I'm going to Mexico? Yes. I'm going to Mexico. It's going to be DEVINE!!!

Hence the Hairless Hunzer.

xoxo

{ Owie }

My vagina hurts.




Yes, I said it.




My vagina hurts.




I got waxed for the first time tonight. Instead of bikini, I went for brazilian.




I want to stuff a bag of frozen peas down the front of my pants.




That's all.

I'd rather have a raging case of the clap.

I feel like shit.
Like complete ass.

I have a nasty, nasty, NASTY virus that is kicking my ass. I can't eat or drink anything because my throat is on FIRE.

("Scotty's on FIRE"...quick, name that movie).

Seriously though, it feels like I'm swallowing razor blades. I stayed home from work today because of this, which makes me sad because I love my job. I look forward to going to work everyday. Weird, I know.

I don't have strep. I don't have pneumonia. I don't have influenza. I just have a virus.

One that hurts and hurts BAD. I didn't eat or drink anything today because of this sore throat and ended up getting a bag of IV fluids while at the doc's office late this afternoon.

When you are dehydrated, it's a bitch to try to find a vein. THAT was a barrel o'fun.

However, my adorably pregnant doctor, who rocks the casbah, gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3 (oh yippee) and "magic mouthwash".

Have you ever taken "Magic Mouthwash"?

I'm convinced it comes from the devil himself ~ like potato salad and yogurt.

Except while those come from the devil's taint, this "Magic Mouthwash" comes from the wrinkles in his nutsack.

Yes my friends, I'm convinced that "Magic Mouthwash" is actually the Devil's fumunda cheese. The Devil's smegma. The Devil's curds and whey.

It's HORRIBLE tasting and it looks like bloody-tinged semen. (It's times like these I wish I could link to Annex's blog because, well, she's got a doozy on there right now that relates to this story!)

Did that stop me from using it? HELL to the NO. Why? Because it's LIDOCAINE in gel form and NUMBS the throat when gargled.

It tastes awful. Truly, truly awful.

But it works well.

I'm rambling. Here are the important points:

~ I don't like yogurt or potato salad.
~ Magic Mouthwash is nasty, looks like semen, tastes like shit but works like a charm.
~ I look like a herion addict with all the needle marks and bruising from that fucking IV.
~ I feel like dick.
~ I'd rather have a raging case of the clap.

xoxo

I {love} Optimus Prime.

Thank you Annex!




(Yeah, I watched Transformers and liked it. You win dear!)

~ xoxo ~

A couple of fun things.

My son turns five next week so we are having a costume party this weekend to celebrate his birthday. I took it in the ass at Target (as always) tonight buying decorations and Halloween-related shit. Who am I kidding though ~ this is fun as hell!

I plan to tuck my kids in for bed, watch Grey's Anatomy and make the goodie bags while curled up in bed with my dog.

I was checking up on my bloglines when I came across these fun gems. Enjoy!


1. Jack Bauer. January 13, 2008. 'Nuff said.




2. If you know Dane, you know this is not only cute but funny.




3. This reminds me of my neighbor. 'Cept she's a crazy bitch instead of happy when she takes her pills. Who am I kidding. She's a crazy bitch regardless (and I say this with ZERO sarcasm...she really is insane and we cannot wait until she moves). I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt...even the ones I don't like. However, this broad has crossed the line and is beyond normal. I guess every neighborhood needs one. She's the crazy cat lady only with dogs.




4. Look at what Roxann did! She's the sweetest thing, I swear. Roxann...I'll do my part once life settles down and I can think in full sentences again.

5. I want one of these adorable "Little Travelers". I haven't adopted one yet but I will...and probably more than one because they a) will make cute gifts and b) are for a great cause! Go check them out.

~ xoxo ~

Hunzer Douchebaggery

Seven days in to my new job and I already have had to fill out an injury report.

Yes, I hurt myself at work today.

How does a Scheduler at an Oncology clinic get injured on the job you ask?

Simple.

She is eating lunch in the breakroom, which is catered by a local Italian place on behalf of the drug reps. It's full of employees (maybe 20 people at the time).

She gets up to leave, has the newspaper and iPhone in one hand, her empty plastic plate in the other, when she steps on a piece of tortellini.

Her feet go out from under her and she drops faster than a whore at a sausage fest.

On the tile floor.

In front of a full breakroom. Did I mention it was full of people?

Since her hands are full, she catches her fall on her knees and elbows. She lands so hard and so fast, that her headband flips OFF her head and lands on her face, making her look like someone from Star Trek.

When she finally stands up after the shock and awe, she regains composure thinking "I can handle this", only to be told "Um, you have something on your nose".

It was a piece of a chopped pecan. There were pecans in the tortelli and apparently one flew off her plate and on to her nostril, thus making it look like a brown booger hanging off of her nose.

She has bruised elbows and knees, strained muscles in her upper back/right shoulder/right side of the neck, a completely shredded ego and rogue brusing showing up now, 11 hours later.

She had to fill out an injury report due to possible Workman's Comp issues on her seventh day of work.

Yes, she IS a rockstar.

The only thing that could have made this worse is that she could have shit her pants from the sheer shock of it all.



Laugh with me people...or I will cry.

~ xoxo ~

Finally!

The weekend is upon us. Thank GOD. I plan to fuck around with scrapbooking, cards, and maybe even some crochet tonight. It's been a long week! A couple of tidbits:

~ I started my new job on Monday. It's a great job with NORMAL hours, NO holidays, NO weekends and everyone is out the door by 4:31pm. WHOA.

~ It's also an emotional job as I work at an Oncology clinic. The patients started inspiring me from the moment I came in contact with them. Wow.

~ Working at this clinic has brought me back in to the field of healthcare and my goal of returning to school for Nursing (or something in medicine). I am SO HAPPY here.

~ I was exhausted last night but managed to watch Transformers with Mister Hunzer. Annex...you are right. *wink* That movie kicked some serious ass.

~ I slept for 14 hours today (THANK YOU MISTER HUNZER) so now it's time to actually get some shit done. I feel yucky today which is why I slept longer than usual. I still feel yucky so I'm going to see if some chicken dumpling soup helps out my tummy.

Peace bloggers!

~xoxo~

I can't stamp.

Wait.

I can stamp.

I just can't emboss for SHIT!

Maybe you expert stampers out there can help a sistah out? I need heat embossing tips.

~ What is the best ink to use for heat embossing?
~ What is the best embossing powder?
~ What the hell am I doing to suck so bad at this?

My embossed images never look good. NEVER.

Here's an example:



It's horrifying, I know. But isn't the stamp CUTE?? It's a Bella stamp. I love the sassy look of all the Bellas.

Anyways, I wanted to emboss her jeans so I used my Zig Embossing pen and some silver shimmery embossing powder.

It didn't work.

Sigh. Seriously. Tell me what works for you!


Now, I do enjoy making cards for specific people and specific reasons. They are usually naughty cards. I made this one for a friend of mine who was homesick after a move over 1000 miles away. Love ya bitch!




Enjoy your week friends!!

~ xoxo ~

Douchebag, party of one.

So I'm loving my iPhone except for one minor detail:

The ringer doesn't ring! I have the volume turned up, I have selected different ringtomes (even made my own), I've messed around with the settings and nada. Every single call that comes in is missed unless I happen to be glancing at my phone at that exact moment.

It makes for a lot of missed calls and voicemails. It's also irritating.

Tonight, I finally did a google search on this and figured it out!!

There is this MAGICAL little button on the top left side of my iPhone. It's the silent button. It was on.

That's why my ringer never worked.

Because I had it on SILENT.





~ xoxo ~

Holy Mackarel!!

I think we made a baby that looks like me!

Holy shit!





Yes? No? Maybe if his one eye was crossed????



~ xoxo ~

Lazy Sunday.

~ xoxo ~

Daily Cards.

I'm loving this project. I love that it takes ten minutes to make a card. I love that I am only using my scraps. I love that I always have an idea for each day. I love that I can exert my creativity...even if it is only for ten minutes each day!

~ xoxo ~

{ One }

The baby boy child is officially one year old.

I'm verklempt.

*sniff*


Before the cupcake:










During the cupcake:



(Yeah ~ not a fan of the messy cupcake).


After the cupcake:










My baby is one. My little one is one. There are no more babies left in this house!

Happy Birthday ~E~!!

~ xoxo ~


PS - I've been watching the baby shows on TLC while working out at the Y. I cried during the shows yesterday and today. Apparently I'm a little emotional.

PPS - Happy Anniversary Mister Hunzer! Yep ~ we share our wedding anniversary with the BBC's birthday. Awesome, isn't it? *smile*