Okay, Seriously.

How friggin' CUTE is this? This is the Baby Boy Child late, late, LATE on Xmas Day night (like 1 am late because of the excitement of the previous two days).




If that doesn't tickle your innards, then you are evil. You have no soul!! I mean shit...the snorts alone are priceless!

(Yeah, I know my couch is messy. Don't judge me.)

~ xoxo ~

I'm boring today.

I'm sitting in my office chair, getting a back massage from this Homemedics back massager thingy that my nanny is letting me use. I think I'm in love with it. I could sit here all friggin' day!

However, Thing 2 just came in from playing outside in the snow and is requesting lunch. This is good because I honestly have nothing funny to say today. I'm tired and need a little more sleep.

I give you my favorite LOLCats from the last week:









~ xoxo ~

Let's revisit one of my favorite comedians, shall we?

I had a date last night with one of my best friends, Annex. We just hung out at my place, noshed on some popcorn, chatted away and watched Dave Attel's Insomniac Tour. Why that one?

Because of our boyfriend, Dane Cook.

Seriously ~ Go rent his stand-up DVDs. You will shed a tear from laughter and maybe even a dribble in your shorts.

I've got a few favorite clips I'm gonna share but first, my little gift to Annex...


I'M A DRAGON!!!














The true Dane fans will appreciate this last one!







~ xoxo ~

Busted. Again.

I was dancing during our Halloween party while making a bunch of peanut butter and jelly sammies for the kids. One of the people there was taking pictures of it, or so I thought.

Turns out she was videotaping it.

I present to you, the Hunzer Peanut Butter Dance.

Isn't this effin' adorable??

I bought it today for my work's Christmas party. The theme is Ugly Sweater. I really struggled to find one ugly enough; however, sequins and the 3-D effect won my heart.

You know you're jealous.


~ xoxo ~

A couple cute pics from last night...

Here are two from Mister Hunzer last night...





~ xoxo ~

Up to my eyeballs in shit. I need to ramble.

Who knew poop would be such a potent part of my life??

There is some nasty stomach bug going through my kids and it's killing me! My house smells like puke and poop. Wanna come over and hang out?

I feel terrible because Thing 1 has her Holiday Dance Recital tonight. We won't be going. She's gonna be pissed when she finds out. This stomach thing seems pretty contagious so I don't want to risk infecting an entire high school auditorium of people!

Mister Hunzer is out with Thing 2 for the night. He is taking him to the Monster Truck show with a neighbor and his kid. Thing 1 won't be pleased about this either but hey...she's got a little surprise coming her way next weekend. I'm taking her, a neighbor and the neighbor's daughter to High School Musical on Ice. The girls don't know we are taking them and won't find out until we get there. Thing 1 and her friend will lose their effin' MINDS!

I went to happy hour last night with my brother. We closed her down. Oops. The coolest part? Well, it goes a little something like this...

My brother, his girlfriend and I are sitting at the bar when my brother points to this guy across the way and says "Do you recognize that guy?"

I could only see his profile so I was like "No you douchebag...I don't."

He says "Look again asshole."

Then I saw his full face and said "Holy shit ~ That's Jack Morris!" Then I decided it couldn't be him so I went up and started talking. Sure enough, it was Jack.

Jack Morris pitched for the Twins in the '91 World Series. I've written about my love for the MN Twins before and it's still there. My parents had tickets for the '91 Series home games but I couldn't go because I was grounded. Again. Missing the World Series has scarred me for life. ;)

Anyways, I introduced myself, they invited us to sit and we just hung out. At least, I think they invited us to sit. Who knows. It was late and I had been there a while. ;) Very down to earth guy, smart as hell and fun. A very cool night for this MN Twins fan. I have no pictures or autographs as proof. I didn't want any. We were just drinking beer and hanging out. Although I wasn't impressed with his beer of choice ~ it was Bud Light. That's just nasty. ;)

Time for me to blow outta here and get some shit done around the house like laundry, wrapping Xmas presents and cleaning. That is actually code for "I'm going to go snuggle on the couch with Thing 1 and the Baby Boy Child and not do a damn thing!!"

~ xoxo ~

That crazy lady crying in the middle of Perkins? Yeah...that was me.

Something happened tonight that had me crying not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES while we were out to dinner with the kids.

It even made my Mom cry when I told her the story.


I didn't get home from work until 7pm because I stayed late and then had to run to my daughter's school for her conferences.

I get home and the kids are starving. DH and I are blah because we have to go pay for and pick up our car from the dealership because I broke it. (I didn't break it...the garage jumped out in front of ME when I was backing out!!) It snowed again today so the roads suck rocks.

We get to Perkins and get comfortable in a nice corner booth (if you aren't familiar with Perkins, it's like a Denny's, Embers, etc). When my 6yo daughter realizes that she is not sitting next to me, she has an absolute fit. She was exhausted (she gets up for school at 6am) and just lost her freakin' mind. She cried for about 15 minutes because she couldn't sit by me. I calmly explained to her that she couldn't act like this, yadda yadda yadda. I wasn't going to give in to her hissy fit and attitude either.

DH took her to the other side of the restaurant to try to calm her down and get her to relax to no avail.

I decided to try. At this point, we were planning to get our food boxed up as soon as it got there, get the kids home and put them all to bed.

She and I go to this quiet spot in the restaurant and just snuggled on the bench for a few minutes. I got her to calm down and explained that her behavior was inappropriate and why, explained why hissy fits aren't appropriate, etc. She was finally calm.

As we were walking back, I saw a man who looked exactly like Santa Claus (minus the red suit and hat). I pointed him out to my daughter and said "Who do you think that could be?"

Her eyes lit up, the frown was gone and girlfriend was AMAZED. Here, at Perkins in our little town, was SANTA CLAUS HIMSELF eating dinner!! She couldn't believe it.

We got back to our table and she started telling my 5yo son about it. He just HAD to see for himself so I got up and walked them over to the area where "Santa" was eating his dinner. I didn't want them to bother him but I did tell them they could peek.

It was so cute ~ they would walk up, peek around the booth, and then come back just wide-eyed and SO HAPPY that they saw Santa. They started talking about how his "deers" are up on the roof and waiting for him to finish. The entire time they were peeking at him, he didn't look up and make eye contact, smile or anything. I was hoping he wasn't mad but also figured he was used to it. I mean, dude looks EXACTLY like Santa...glasses, beard and all.

We get back to our table and it's like a totally different family. Everyone is happy and giggly, my daughter forgot that she was mad because she wasn't sitting by me, and DH and I were in an awesome mood because of how funny the kids were in regards to "Santa".

Our server had seen the kids sneaking peeks at Santa so I told her what was going on. His presence alone changed the course of our dinner from crappy and moody to fun and festive. I told her that we wanted to pay his bill because of this.

She left and then came back with his bill. She said that she didn't tell him we were buying his dinner but she DID tell him that he made a little girl's night. His response? "Noooo...she made my night."

*Cue crying episode #1*

As we were leaving, the kids wanted to walk by "Santa" again and wave goodbye. He waves us over and starts pulling something off of his key ring.

He says to my daughter "I don't have my santa bag here but I wanted to give you this for making me smile. It's a Shield of Faith."

It has a cross inscribed on the front and has some scripture (at least, I think it's some sort of scripture) in the back that says:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

*Cue crying episode #2*

He then hands it over to my daughter and thanks us for making his night. Our server was watching the whole thing and was also grinning ear-to-ear. She said that we totally made her night as well.

My kids were ecstatic. I mean, first they see Santa eating dinner and then he gives them this? They were so happy.

We got in the van and started driving away when I decided to call my Mom and tell her about it. As I finished the story, I was crying all over again (crying jag #3) and then heard my Mom crying. She denied it but I could tell.

I'm telling you ~ that little experience tonight just warmed my heart. My kids couldn't stop talking about Santa and I feel like I witnessed something amazing.

I love good people.

(Crap ~ cue crying jag #4!!)


Here is a picture of the shield. Sure it's beat up but it was on his key ring! I told the kids that I would make a necklace out of it and they could share it.





I'm going to google this Shield of Faith to get some background on it. I just had to share this story. We aren't a very religious family but man...this just touched my heart!!

Picture Share!!

It's about that time ~ time for recent photos, my friends!
















And the UGLY-ASS BOOTS award goes to...ME!! These are sooooo warm and super comfy yet they are, by far, the UGLIEST damn boots on the planet. I love them and they are ALL MINE!! We got about 8 inches of snow on Saturday...I need these bad boys now.






Can't forget the video of the Baby Boy Child walking!! He freaking WALKS people! He's no longer a baby. Oddly enough, I want my uterus back so I can have another one. Do you think they do that? *wink* By the way, don't mind the clothes. Dad dressed him that day. LOL




It's 2am. Time to go to bed. Or, BACK to bed as I slept once already tonight from 6pm to midnight. Oops.

~ xoxo ~

My favorite song of the moment...

(Grab a tissue people...it's amazing)

"Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World

It brings me to my Amanda. *tears* I love it. I love to reconnect with her in any way possible.

It also makes me think of friends or family who have lost loved ones close to them. It's just such a beautiful song.

Here's an a capella version of it on this You Tube video ~ if you are a Law & Order SVU fan, you will love this. If not, just close your eyes and listen.



*sniff* God I love this song.

~ xoxo ~

Hey thanks, kid.

I was snuggling in bed with Thing 1 and Thing 2 last night when Thing 2 looks at me, points to my boobs and says:

"They are just like mountains Momma...up and down and up and down!"


Gotta love that kid. He's five years old and the things that come out of his mouth at times is devine! Or...not.

Another example:

He walks by my bathroom the other day and sees me pull down my pants. He stops, starts giggling and says "your butt wiggles when you pull your pants down!"

Again...thanks, kid.


This is the same adorable boy that, a few weeks ago, told me that I had a "yummy butt".

I said "What? I have a yummy butt?"

He says "Yes you do because it's so big and squishy!!"


I swear to the holy heavens that my ass is not THAT big. Yes, I have junk in my budunkadunk but damn...I'm not hauling a tractor trailor!!


Sigh. He's lucky he's cute. *wink*


~ xoxo ~

{ Ew. }

I had a dream last night that I was performing on stage with Britney and we both accidentally flashed our "lady gardens".

Our piss flaps.

Our beef drapes.

You know what I'm sayin'.


I'm scared. Someone hold me.

See that dumbass in yellow?

That's me.

There might be a little bit of pee dribbling down my leg, too.














(See that rickety ass tower in the back? We zipped to it. Yeah.
Now you understand the whole "pee-dribble" issue.)


I also rapelled into a cave with my BFF Estrella. ;) I don't rockclimb. I don't rapell. If you have ever read this blog, you know that I fall with ease. This was hard as hell...scary too. I liked it.






After the rapelling adventure, we went snorkeling in a cenote ~ a freshwater area in a cave. Before we got in the water, our guide told us that it was cold but we couldn't be loud about it.

Why?

Because we would wake the bats.

There were fucking BATS in there.

And they DID wake up.

I'm sitting in this freezing ass water with a snorkel on my face thinking "I could conquer my fear of icky things that live in the water by keeping my face in or I could keep my face out of the water, get bit by an angry bat and die of rabies like the dude in MN a few weeks ago."

I kept my face in the water as much as possible.




I conquered a few fears that day ~ heights with the ziplines and rapelling, and water/bats with the cenote shit.


Oh, and I let this little beauty crawl up my arm...




Yes, she's as big as she looks. Meet "Spidey".
I have no photos of her crawling up my arm but I do have a video of it.
(*ahem, Ron...)


~ xoxo ~

PS...I'm well aware of the ginormous camel-toe that I'm sporting. Hey man ~ you try be harnessed to a wire, flying through the air in the mo'fo' jungle and see how nice your vajayjay looks when you are done!!

PPS...After a day like this, we need several shots of this!

No time to talk ~ just a quick picture share.

Damn work. It's taking up all my free time! A few quickies from Mexico.






Where we spent the majority of our time ~ in the pool and at the pool bar:




We started with six, ended with 12 in our group. Crazies attract crazies, I guess. :)




More to come in a few days when we get through this whole Thanksgiving stuff. :)

~xoxo~

Mama's Home kids. Mama's Home.

She's home but she's not happy about it.

I had soooooooo much fun you guys!! SO MUCH. I have a lot of stories to tell and many pics to share.

I just wanted to let my blog-kids know that I am home.

*smooches*

Quote, Unquote...

I just got this in my email from a friend of mine that I will be in Mexico with.
(Wow ~ that ^^ was some SHITCAN grammar right there).


This was in regards to her own personal waxing experience from last night. She sums it up perfectly!

This evening I had the hair ripped out of my arm pits and off of my
vagine. Can I just say 'WHAT THE FUCK WOULD POSSESS ME TO DO THAT?'
Ouch. I couldn't even fathom the idea of having my asshole pubes
ripped out after she so viciously tore chunks of hair off of my outer
labia. I couldn't do it. But, I will have one rockin pussy for the
trip. :-)


(I wouldn't let that hot wax near my browneye either...no thanks! I made sure she steered clear of the taint as well. I will not jeopardize my taint for ANYTHING.)

Dudes. I AM SO EXCITED!!

And it has NOTHING to do with Mexico.

It's because of THIS...




Dane Cook's new CD/DVD, "Rough Around the Edges" drops on November 13th.

Annex ~ Do I sense a date night here???

Gots to go wash the hair dye outta my hair.

(Now I have that fucking flute melody stuck in my head!!)


~ xoxo ~


PS...I *am* CRAZY hyper about Mexico. WOOT!

Waxing ~ Round 2

So I got the lady garden waxed on Monday night.

Tonight saw the removal of the leg hair, the armpit hair and the 'stache.

The legs were only painful around the ankles. When I say "painful", I mean "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK that hurts!!" The rest was no big thing.

The armpits were uncomfortable but a necessary evil.

The 'stache is the 'stache. I don't want to blend in with the hombres down in Mexico, if ya get my drift.

Oh, I didn't mention I'm going to Mexico? Yes. I'm going to Mexico. It's going to be DEVINE!!!

Hence the Hairless Hunzer.

xoxo

{ Owie }

My vagina hurts.




Yes, I said it.




My vagina hurts.




I got waxed for the first time tonight. Instead of bikini, I went for brazilian.




I want to stuff a bag of frozen peas down the front of my pants.




That's all.

I'd rather have a raging case of the clap.

I feel like shit.
Like complete ass.

I have a nasty, nasty, NASTY virus that is kicking my ass. I can't eat or drink anything because my throat is on FIRE.

("Scotty's on FIRE"...quick, name that movie).

Seriously though, it feels like I'm swallowing razor blades. I stayed home from work today because of this, which makes me sad because I love my job. I look forward to going to work everyday. Weird, I know.

I don't have strep. I don't have pneumonia. I don't have influenza. I just have a virus.

One that hurts and hurts BAD. I didn't eat or drink anything today because of this sore throat and ended up getting a bag of IV fluids while at the doc's office late this afternoon.

When you are dehydrated, it's a bitch to try to find a vein. THAT was a barrel o'fun.

However, my adorably pregnant doctor, who rocks the casbah, gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3 (oh yippee) and "magic mouthwash".

Have you ever taken "Magic Mouthwash"?

I'm convinced it comes from the devil himself ~ like potato salad and yogurt.

Except while those come from the devil's taint, this "Magic Mouthwash" comes from the wrinkles in his nutsack.

Yes my friends, I'm convinced that "Magic Mouthwash" is actually the Devil's fumunda cheese. The Devil's smegma. The Devil's curds and whey.

It's HORRIBLE tasting and it looks like bloody-tinged semen. (It's times like these I wish I could link to Annex's blog because, well, she's got a doozy on there right now that relates to this story!)

Did that stop me from using it? HELL to the NO. Why? Because it's LIDOCAINE in gel form and NUMBS the throat when gargled.

It tastes awful. Truly, truly awful.

But it works well.

I'm rambling. Here are the important points:

~ I don't like yogurt or potato salad.
~ Magic Mouthwash is nasty, looks like semen, tastes like shit but works like a charm.
~ I look like a herion addict with all the needle marks and bruising from that fucking IV.
~ I feel like dick.
~ I'd rather have a raging case of the clap.

xoxo

I {love} Optimus Prime.

Thank you Annex!




(Yeah, I watched Transformers and liked it. You win dear!)

~ xoxo ~

A couple of fun things.

My son turns five next week so we are having a costume party this weekend to celebrate his birthday. I took it in the ass at Target (as always) tonight buying decorations and Halloween-related shit. Who am I kidding though ~ this is fun as hell!

I plan to tuck my kids in for bed, watch Grey's Anatomy and make the goodie bags while curled up in bed with my dog.

I was checking up on my bloglines when I came across these fun gems. Enjoy!


1. Jack Bauer. January 13, 2008. 'Nuff said.




2. If you know Dane, you know this is not only cute but funny.




3. This reminds me of my neighbor. 'Cept she's a crazy bitch instead of happy when she takes her pills. Who am I kidding. She's a crazy bitch regardless (and I say this with ZERO sarcasm...she really is insane and we cannot wait until she moves). I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt...even the ones I don't like. However, this broad has crossed the line and is beyond normal. I guess every neighborhood needs one. She's the crazy cat lady only with dogs.




4. Look at what Roxann did! She's the sweetest thing, I swear. Roxann...I'll do my part once life settles down and I can think in full sentences again.

5. I want one of these adorable "Little Travelers". I haven't adopted one yet but I will...and probably more than one because they a) will make cute gifts and b) are for a great cause! Go check them out.

~ xoxo ~

Hunzer Douchebaggery

Seven days in to my new job and I already have had to fill out an injury report.

Yes, I hurt myself at work today.

How does a Scheduler at an Oncology clinic get injured on the job you ask?

Simple.

She is eating lunch in the breakroom, which is catered by a local Italian place on behalf of the drug reps. It's full of employees (maybe 20 people at the time).

She gets up to leave, has the newspaper and iPhone in one hand, her empty plastic plate in the other, when she steps on a piece of tortellini.

Her feet go out from under her and she drops faster than a whore at a sausage fest.

On the tile floor.

In front of a full breakroom. Did I mention it was full of people?

Since her hands are full, she catches her fall on her knees and elbows. She lands so hard and so fast, that her headband flips OFF her head and lands on her face, making her look like someone from Star Trek.

When she finally stands up after the shock and awe, she regains composure thinking "I can handle this", only to be told "Um, you have something on your nose".

It was a piece of a chopped pecan. There were pecans in the tortelli and apparently one flew off her plate and on to her nostril, thus making it look like a brown booger hanging off of her nose.

She has bruised elbows and knees, strained muscles in her upper back/right shoulder/right side of the neck, a completely shredded ego and rogue brusing showing up now, 11 hours later.

She had to fill out an injury report due to possible Workman's Comp issues on her seventh day of work.

Yes, she IS a rockstar.

The only thing that could have made this worse is that she could have shit her pants from the sheer shock of it all.



Laugh with me people...or I will cry.

~ xoxo ~

Finally!

The weekend is upon us. Thank GOD. I plan to fuck around with scrapbooking, cards, and maybe even some crochet tonight. It's been a long week! A couple of tidbits:

~ I started my new job on Monday. It's a great job with NORMAL hours, NO holidays, NO weekends and everyone is out the door by 4:31pm. WHOA.

~ It's also an emotional job as I work at an Oncology clinic. The patients started inspiring me from the moment I came in contact with them. Wow.

~ Working at this clinic has brought me back in to the field of healthcare and my goal of returning to school for Nursing (or something in medicine). I am SO HAPPY here.

~ I was exhausted last night but managed to watch Transformers with Mister Hunzer. Annex...you are right. *wink* That movie kicked some serious ass.

~ I slept for 14 hours today (THANK YOU MISTER HUNZER) so now it's time to actually get some shit done. I feel yucky today which is why I slept longer than usual. I still feel yucky so I'm going to see if some chicken dumpling soup helps out my tummy.

Peace bloggers!

~xoxo~

I can't stamp.

Wait.

I can stamp.

I just can't emboss for SHIT!

Maybe you expert stampers out there can help a sistah out? I need heat embossing tips.

~ What is the best ink to use for heat embossing?
~ What is the best embossing powder?
~ What the hell am I doing to suck so bad at this?

My embossed images never look good. NEVER.

Here's an example:



It's horrifying, I know. But isn't the stamp CUTE?? It's a Bella stamp. I love the sassy look of all the Bellas.

Anyways, I wanted to emboss her jeans so I used my Zig Embossing pen and some silver shimmery embossing powder.

It didn't work.

Sigh. Seriously. Tell me what works for you!


Now, I do enjoy making cards for specific people and specific reasons. They are usually naughty cards. I made this one for a friend of mine who was homesick after a move over 1000 miles away. Love ya bitch!




Enjoy your week friends!!

~ xoxo ~

Douchebag, party of one.

So I'm loving my iPhone except for one minor detail:

The ringer doesn't ring! I have the volume turned up, I have selected different ringtomes (even made my own), I've messed around with the settings and nada. Every single call that comes in is missed unless I happen to be glancing at my phone at that exact moment.

It makes for a lot of missed calls and voicemails. It's also irritating.

Tonight, I finally did a google search on this and figured it out!!

There is this MAGICAL little button on the top left side of my iPhone. It's the silent button. It was on.

That's why my ringer never worked.

Because I had it on SILENT.





~ xoxo ~

Holy Mackarel!!

I think we made a baby that looks like me!

Holy shit!





Yes? No? Maybe if his one eye was crossed????



~ xoxo ~

Lazy Sunday.

~ xoxo ~

Daily Cards.

I'm loving this project. I love that it takes ten minutes to make a card. I love that I am only using my scraps. I love that I always have an idea for each day. I love that I can exert my creativity...even if it is only for ten minutes each day!

~ xoxo ~